Alice Roosevelt

(Photo from Library of Congress)

Theodore Roosevelt’s diary entry the day his wife (and his mother) died. The following diary entries lovingly describe his courtship, wedding, happiness in marriage, and his grief over the death of his wife Alice, after which he never spoke of the union again.

Baby Won't You Please Come Home - Ella Fitzgerald

A Tweet from Steve

"I miss the earth so much, I miss my wife. It's lonely out in space..." from Rocket Man

Tweeted by Steve on March 23, 2010

A Short Conversation with My Brother-In-Law

In the week after Steve died, I planned for every moment of his service. Right up to the point of what music would play as we walked out of the chapel. After everyone had left, the family waiting outside by their cars, I stood in the foyer of funeral home with a blank look on my face unsure what to do. I hadn't planned for anything past that moment. I was a lost little zombie.

A couple of days after the one year anniversary of Steve's death, my brother-in-law, Butch, called to check on me. And because we have an agreement to never lie, I had to admit I'm feeling a bit unmoored much like after Steve's service concluded. My goal had been to survive the first year. I hadn't planned on anything past that time. I have no idea what comes next.

Butch thinks awhile and says "I know what you need to do".

"Oh yeah? What's that" I ask.

"Go join a local gym," he says.

"Ummmmm." I'm not really liking this idea already.

"Get a personal trainer," he continues.

"Uh huh..." Please oh please don't finish this up with the words triathlon or marathon, I'm thinking.

"And make sure his name is Enrique" he finishes.

...

"Uh. Butch?"

"Yes."

"Are you suggesting I need to get laid?"

"It's been a year. That's all I'm saying."

Had it been anyone else, had it been presented any other way, I'd have been offended. DeRose family trait at it's best, the man had me laughing.

Whatever comes next, I survived the first year.

Be OK - Ingrid Michaelson

Memorializing a Facebook Account

I was asked by a fellow widow to explain the process of memorializing a spouse's Facebook account. In all fairness, these things change as Facebook does site upgrades. There are things I've heard about from widow/ers before me, as well. But first, here's what Facebook has to say:

What does memorializing an account mean? Does it deactivate or delete it?

When a user passes away, we memorialize their account to protect their privacy. Memorializing an account sets the account privacy so that only confirmed friends can see the profile or locate it in search. The Wall remains, so friends and family can leave posts in remembrance. Memorializing an account also prevents anyone from logging into the account.

How do I report a deceased user or an account that needs to be memorialized or deleted?

          Memorializing the account:

Please report this information here, so we can memorialize this person’s account. Memorializing the account restricts profile access to confirmed friends only. Please note that in order to protect the privacy of the deceased user, we cannot provide login information for the account to anyone.

Removing the account:

Verified immediate family members may request the removal of a loved one’s account. This will completely remove the account from Facebook, so no one can view it. We will not restore the account or provide information on its content unless required by law. If you are requesting a removal and are not an immediate family member of the deceased, your request will not be processed. In this case, the account will be memorialized.

If you are an immediate family member and would like to request that we remove your loved one's account from the site, click here. You may also use this form if you have a special request regarding a deceased user's account.

A few point to understand about those two answers in plain-speak:

1. If you have the password and are currently able to sign in to your spouses account, once you request memorization, you will no longer be able to sign in to your spouse's account.
2. You will no longer be able to accept new friend requests on your spouse's behalf.
3. You will no longer be able to delete friends on your spouse's account.
4. Your spouse's name will no longer show up in any Facebook search except to the people on his or her current friends list.
5. Once you have memorialized an account, it WILL NOT be undone.
6. You can choose to delete the account instead of memorializing it, or even after memorializing it. Once the account has been deleted, they WILL NOT RESTORE IT.

The question then becomes - Why memorialize it at all?

That is a personal decision. I decided to do it after a year because I was tired of Facebook notifications showing up in my husband's e-mail account. (I've been trying to get to a point to shut down his e-mail account.) My thoughts were that a year after his death, if people were still looking to friend him on Facebook, it was no longer someone I was interested in having the "oh, I'm so sorry and how did he die" conversations. After a year, they weren't part of his life and I, frankly, no longer wanted to deal with people popping out of the woodwork.

By memorializing his page, all of his friends and myself could still post on his wall, still tag him in newly uploaded pictures *, but I wouldn't have to deal with any "newbies" searching for him.

Disclaimer time: I have heard horror stories from widow/ers who had some glitches when their spouses account was changed over to a memorial page. They lost wall postings made by their spouse, etc. I memorialized Steve's Facebook page a week ago and haven't found anything missing. Those old horror stories may have been sorted out since the messages I read. But there is a way to make sure you don't lose anything from your spouse's account. You can download everything (pictures, wall posts, videos, etc)  from that account. (This is supposing you have the ability to log in as your spouse.) I highly suggest you do this before memorializing the account.

To Download Your Information (everything the account has done/written/uploaded):

1. Log in as your spouse. 
2. Go to the "Account" tab. 
3. Go to the "Settings" tab.
4. Click on "Learn More" next to the "Download Your Information" option.
5. They will walk you through it. You'll need to be able to access your spouse's e-mail account to verify the account download. You may not receive this e-mail for several hours.
6. Once you get receive the e-mail, you may download everything that account has posted, including pictures, videos, wall posts and messages.
7. I suggest you do the same thing for YOUR account to be certain you don't lose anything your spouse may have written on your wall.
8. Once both accounts have been downloaded, feel free to memorialize the account.

I will say one of my biggest fears is that once my husband's account had been memorialized, that both of our accounts would no longer show us as married to each other. Turns out I had nothing to fear. I still show up as his spouse on his page and he still shows up as my spouse on my page. Eventually I may change my status to widowed, but that will happen in my own time when I am ready for it. Of course, once that change has been made, it can not be reverted.

* As of 8/11/12, Facebook allows us to photo tag the person of a memorialized account. That wasn't true for about a year but was true before that year. These things change constantly. Just know that it may change yet again.

If you have any questions about this, feel free to leave a comment on this post or you may reach me at kikimarcus (at) gmail (dot) com.

Read about  Deciding to Delete A Facebook Account.
Read about Creating a Facebook Legacy Contact.

Culled from a commentary article

"A person recalls how he is treated not when he is on top of the world, undefeated, but when he is at his lowest, thinking he will never again see the sun."

 Bob Greene (author)

365 Days

...365 things I miss...

1. holding your hand.
2. laying my head on your shoulder.
3. the smell of you cooking sauce.
4. the way you jump up and down and clap when you get excited and happy, like the world's largest little boy.
5. dancing around the house with you.
6. that you were the first person I was ever completely safe with.
7. your soft kisses on the back of my neck.
8. rubbing my thumb over your knuckle.
9. you laughing that I actually twiddle my thumbs every time you catch me doing it.
10. kissing your back surgery scar every night when I crawl into bed.
11. hiding stuffed monkeys in your luggage.
12. the smell of your cigars.
13. that you loved your job.
14. the weight and heat of your hand on my thigh when I drive.
15. poking your belly button.
16. listening to the music you play on your guitar drift in through the open windows.
17. staring into your chocolate brown eyes.
18. that my car was in your name and had your plates on it.
19. that your car was in my name and had my plates on it.
20. kissing your bald spot as I walk past you.
21. the way you'd sometime slap your knee when you laughed.
22. farting in public with you. The fancier the place, the better.
23. that you always considered everyone's opinions important.
24. driving you to the airport for your business trips.
25. "143" text messages.
26. always knowing where you were.
27. you always knowing where I was.
28. us, singing along to the radio in the car.
29. that you called me from the rose garden of the White House.
30. sitting in your lap.
31. your American history knowledge.
32. how slow you read but how well you retained the information.
33. finding and downloading new songs to surprise you.
34. that you wanted me to pack that entire suitcase of my shoes for our honeymoon.
35. washing dishes after you've cooked.
36. watching the birds on the back deck with you.
37. the sound of your c-pap machine whispering in the night.
38. standing on the front porch and waving until you drove out of sight.
39. feeling like the most beautiful woman in the room when you'd look at me.
40. dancing in the shower while you played guitar sitting outside the bathroom door.
41. finding the perfect dress to make your eyes light up when I walk out of the bedroom.
42. buying underwear for you.
43. how happy you'd get when I cleaned the jewelry you bought me and then wore it, all fresh and sparkly.
44. your concern for others.
45. you saying in shock "How'd SHE get up here?" when I'd spot you and the dog on the couch together.
46. your little happy noise when I'd turn over in the night and wrap myself around you.
47. turning over in the night and wrapping myself around you.
48. the way you'd make me laugh until my tummy hurt and yet I still couldn't stop laughing.
49. you pushing on my belly when I was laughing hard and couldn't stop - to keep me from throwing up.
50. how you'd surprise me with delivered flowers for no reason at all.
51. surprising you with new restaurants to try.
52. ordering Beluga caviar on our honeymoon, at your urging, only to find out I like the cheap caviar better.
53. the frantic hours trying to get the house perfect before you got home from a business trip so we could spend all our time together relaxing.
54. the look on your face when we could drive with the top down.
55. your nervousness at standing on the porch to watch storms roll in.
56. you warming my toes in your hands when we sat on the couch.
57. no matter the hour, you'd always make me coffee.
58. that you searched for a year to find coffee beans we both loved.
59. having you wash my back.
60. on our one year wedding anniversary trip to New Orleans taking an air boat ride to catch alligators, catching none until you finally prayed to your mom to stop messing around with our vacation, then immediately catching a tiny baby alligator before having to head back to land.
61. your counter balance of thought when making big decisions, you always saw things from an angle I just can't seem to capture.
62. photo texts of the monkeys I packed, staged in your hotel room.
63. thanking you for mowing and weed whacking the yard. (It's harder to do all in one day then I thought.)
64. that we'd walk out, having dressed in separate rooms, looking like we tried to dress the same.
65. our shared history. 
66. asking you about your day and then settling in for a nice long chat.
67. you calling True Blood "that show about 20-somethings and their sexual issues".
68. all the food you'd put out for Packer games.
69. picking you up at the airport from a business trip.
70. your support of my right to smoke.
71. long road trips where we spent so much time talking we never turned on the radio.
72. the scent of your cologne on your skin. (It smells different on me.)
73. the hours we spent on the phone when you got back to your hotel room at night.
74. that you loved my father as if he were your own.
75. that you allowed me to love your mother as if she were my own.
76. that we called Vincent D'Onofrio "chicken neck" because of the way he always tilts his head on Law & Order: Criminal Intent.
77. ironing all your clothes so you'd look your best.
78. thanking you for taking out the trash.
79. how you'd wear a monkey tie on the first day of each new project and on interviews for good luck.
80. us trying to agree on ratings on our Netflix account.
81. that you finally recognized the genius that is The Cure.
82. that you smoked dope for the first time in your 40's.
83. that smoking dope and The Cure happened on the same night.
84. making haircut appointments for you.
85. running out onto the front porch as soon as I heard you drive up.
86. packing love notes in with your lunch.
87. how you never - never - gave up on me.
88. how happy it made you when I'd sing quietly into your ear as we slow danced.
89. rubbing your soft earlobes between my fingers.
90. finding the newest internet phenomenons so you could impress your colleagues with your "hipness".
91. wearing clothing with birds on them for you.
92. how insanely happy the dog would get when you walked in the door.
93. worrying you'll get skin cancer on your bald spot.
94. finding hats/sunglasses/sleep-masks to fit your big pumpkin head.
95. when the birds would start fighting over a place at the feeders you'd call out "birdie beat down".
96. smelling 37 different soaps at Bath and Body Works with me to find something that wasn't too girly.
97. that you fulfilled a lifelong dream of mine by taking me to China. For five weeks.
98. that I fulfilled a lifelong dream of yours by taking you to Green Bay to see Brett Favre play. Twice.
99. you killing all the icky spiders for me.
100. when we argued we would flip each other off and immediately start laughing, thus ending the argument.
101. that I never got a chance to see your band play on stage so I could throw panties at you.
102. growing older with you.
103. that you proudly kept a picture of me on your desk of when I was in high school and had a mohawk.
104. being the youngest couple at the symphony on Gershwin night. And loving it.
105. ordering you a Johnnie Walker Blue, straight up, as a surprise on special occasions.
106. you never got to tell me in depth about being in the west wing of the White House.
107. comparing the largeness of your hands to the smallness of my hands.
108. having you hold and rock me when I cry.
109. rubbing sunscreen on your back.
110. the feel of your lips on mine.
111. searching for shoes to fit your wide feet.
112. you pretending to be a metro-sexual by calling your hair gunk "product".
113. The moment on Christmas Eve at Rockefeller Center when I turned around, saw you on the ground and began sinking to my knees so I could help you up only to realize you were down on bended knee - to ask for my hand in marriage.
114. I've only ever been able to remember the first sentence you said to me when you ask me to marry you, "I've waited for you all my life" - the rest is just a blur of tears and inner dialog of "ohmygawd ohmygawd ohmygawd".
115. hearing your "crushed nuts" joke. (No one else can tell it like you do.)
116. you groaning and then laughing every time I started a sentence "Alternatively, we could...".
117. all the legwork you'd put in to our trips. (It's so overwhelming to do it all on my own.)
118. the nights I would get drunk and you'd stay sober so you could reassure me the next day I did not make an ass of myself in public.
119. the nights we both got drunk and made asses of ourselves in public but didn't care.
120. you playing 'Stairway to Gilligan's Island'. (I still swear it's how you won my dad over.)
121. that you would plan your yearly trips with your cousin for three months before hand.
122. the birthday binders that you'd put together for me each year with our activities for the day all mapped out.
123. your supportive and calming words to me when dealing with my crazy family.
124. that you learned to like Southern Rock, excluding that one Lynyrd Skynyrd song referencing Neil Young.
125. how you always had my back.
126. how I always had your back.
127. visiting New York and hearing stories about your childhood on nearly every corner.
128. your compulsion to buy every stuffed monkey you ever laid eyes on because they reminded you of me.
129. "tickle woo?"
130. the scuffing sound of your slippers when you walk. (Now I wear them.)
131. how you always knew the names of all the actors but I knew all their faces and voices.
132. sitting around and talking about your mom. 
133. seeing you dressed up in your suit and thinking "Hellz yeah, that's my man!".
134. how you'd place your hand in the small of my back when I wore heels to steady me.
135. having you ask about my day.
136. watching you drag every new male visitor to our house straight to the footballs I got signed for you in Green Bay.
137. you feeding Frosty Paws to the dogs. (I can't even find where to buy it.)
138. how you'd pull into the driveway, top down, stereo cranked.
139. having you decide what color I should paint my nails.
140. your tongue poking out of your mouth as you sleep.
141. reading your new blog entries, even though they were mostly about football picks.
142. watching you start up the grill.
143. picking out Christmas cards with you.
144. watching you struggle to keep a straight face when you took a business call at home and I'd flash you.
145. having you upkeep our technologies so I never got computer viruses. (I've had three bad ones in the last year.)
146. laughing out loud as I read in bed and having you look over at me then saying "tell me about it".
147. all the wonderful articles you'd forward to me.
148. that everyone you knew felt safe in opening up with you about things they had never told anyone.
149. you rubbing my back in the morning to wake me up.
150. going to art museums with you.
151. sending postcards home written to you while we were still on our vacations.
152. thanking you for taking the cars to be detailed.
153. that you never thought it a big deal to go out and buy me tampons.
154. you standing up for me when I can't stand up for myself.
155. you indulged my obsession of shoes.
156. you doing the grocery shopping. (It took me nine months to find a decent grocery store. Nine months!)
157. hearing you tell me I'm a good wife.
158. trying to find that next little thing that will happily surprise you.
159. how fun you thought my glittery hooker eye-make was. (I never wear it anymore. I don't know if I ever will again.)
160. that you were always willing to sit down and play with children.
161. that you could talk to anyone.
162. the look on your face when you would realize that yes, I really am going to buy you that (guitar, grill, amp) expensive toy that we had only come to "look at".
163. you calling me to look out the window of the back door to see the baby birds, or squirrels, or chipmunks doing something cute.
164. lighting sticks of incense to place all around us to keep the mosquitoes from devouring you.
165. that you would use our Kroger points to gas up our cars. (I don't even know where the Kroger station is located. Then again, I've quit shopping at Kroger.)
166. going to the beach with you. My favorite place with my favorite person. 
167. trying to convince you not to dress like a character from The Sopranos.
168. secretly enjoying that you sometimes did dress like a mobster.
169. joking how your dad was a mailman and you designed e-mail systems, so really, you're in the family business.
170. hearing you cheerily say "right again, honey!".
171. that you helped me pick out and buy every stitch of clothing I own because I wanted to make sure you liked it or I wouldn't wear it.
172. that I helped you pick out and buy every stitch of clothing you owned because you wanted to make sure I like it or you wouldn't wear it.
173. your fingers getting tangled in my curls.
174. how excited you would get every summer for me to make my potato salad.
175. that you trusted me to not just take care of, but also make medical decisions for, your mother.
176. how much pride you took in my needle work, bragging to people I had learned it at my grandmother's knee.
177. driving by a field and testing your city-boy knowledge of was growing in said field. You were getting real country at being able to tell the crops apart.
178. having you hold the ladder as I climbed up. (Turns out I don't feel safe unless it's you at the bottom.)
179. walking the dog with you.
180. how you always managed to find the theater with the least amount of people in it when we'd go to the movies.
181. that I never needed an electric blanket once we got married.
182. that we never got our ten year wedding anniversary tattoos.
183. your joy at putting up tacky Christmas decorations.
184. how "y'all" replaced "yous guys" in your Yankee vocabulary.
185. the look on your face the morning you came downstairs to find your mother teaching me to swear in Italian.
186. you introduced me to Sling Blade and I introduced you to Leolo.
187. hearing you play and sing the song you wrote for me when we were dating.
188. watching you shave.
189. making love with you.
190. your perfect, infectious smile.
191. asking if there's a puppy in your belly whenever your stomach would growl loudly.
192. winning the argument about if you need to wear sunscreen your first time out in the sun every year. (After that first disastrous year when I lost the argument and you looked like a lobster.)
193. watching one hour television shows over the course of three hours because we have to keep putting it on pause to talk about some arcane factoid.
194. that you thought I looked adorable in my flannel monkey pajamas, sick and with frizzy hair.
195. that you never got sick.
196. except for when you did and were perfectly lucid with a temperature of one hundred and three. You freak.
197. your patience at listening to me tell a story three times while I tried to work something through my head.
198. holding hands anytime we were walking anywhere together.
199. holding hands anytime we were sitting anywhere together.
200. that I never got the kitchen redone for you to cook in.
201. "Scraggle me!"
202. you teaching me all the intricacies of football calls and never making me feel stupid in the process.
203. that you figured out telling me "gossip" about the football players helped keep me interested during the season.
204. that we never rushed and said "love ya, buh-bye", we always took the time to say our goodbyes.
205. when either one of us came home, everything stopped so we could say our hellos.
206. that if either us couldn't take a call from the other, and the person called back a second time immediately after the first, we knew it was an emergency and to take the call.
207. that neither of us ever abused the emergency call system.
208. that you loved I dyed my hair fire engine red for my 30th birthday, just like my old punker days, sans mohawk.
209. that you encouraged me to go ahead and dye it smurf blue while I was at it.
210. "Yoikes and away!"
211. listening to you talk on the phone with your family.
212. seeing you laid back in your recliner with your arm tuck up behind your head.
213. smacking your tight little ass when you'd walk past me from the shower.
214. your funny Top Ten lists a la David Letterman.
215. your 86 mph fastball.
216. going out to a really nice dinner with you, both of us dressed to the nines.
217. sitting on the front porch and watching the moon rise with you.
218. napping on the beach next to you.
219. your goofy stories.
220. how, every time you'd dance, you'd strike the Saturday Night Fever pose.
221. how you always wanted to retire to a cabin in the mountains but I wanted to retire to a beach house somewhere warm.
222. then you decided we'd retire to the beach after you saw how the ocean calmed my senses.
223. we finally decided to retire to a mountainous beach area in Italy so we could have the best of both worlds after watching an episode of International House Hunters.
224. that you always forgave me when I screwed up.
225. that you always apologized when you screwed up.
226. that you were a loyal friend.
227. you never turned a thought or idea away out of hand, you were always willing to consider every option and possibility.
228. that nearly every time we stood in front of a camera we automatically would turn and kiss. (I have few photos of us together facing forward.)
229. being wrapped up in your bear hug arms.
230. planning a future with you.
231. blowing zurburts on your belly in our room when we had company stay the night, making them think we had really bad gas.
232. theme night, 'nuff said.
233. going sledding with you on your childhood sled.
234. hearing stories about your father who died when you were twenty.
235. you telling me I have a headache and to go take some Tylenol.
236. that you believed real men cry. And did so proudly.
237. your ability to teach anyone anything. You should have been a teacher.
238. the sound of your voice.
239. the smell of your skin.
240. you waking me up in the middle of the night to tell me you had that Bugs Bunny nightmare again. The one you've had since you were five.
241. that we never got to finish our cross-country road trip. We still have Vegas to San Fransisco to drive.
242. spending five hours on Saturday in our pj's sitting on the back deck eating breakfast.
243. how absolutely terrified I was when you had back surgery and how absolutely grateful I was to be able to care for you during your recovery.
244. watching you, enthralled in reading maps.
245. going with you each fall to vote in the elections.
246. snickering through Christmas Eve service like ten year olds.
247. that you thought a Vegas wedding at a drive-thru chapel, in a vintage pink '55 Cadillac, driven by Elvis, followed by a bowling reception was the best idea ever.
248. when I was sick you'd leave work to come and check on me.
249. growing tomatoes for you.
250. walking into the house to you practicing "Sweet Child 'o Mine" on the guitar.
251. telling you how great a husband you are.
252. receiving cards for every little holiday with long love letters written inside from you.
253. giving cards for every little holiday with long love letter written inside from me.
254. staying at a bed and breakfast on the Eastern Shore and visiting antique shops on the way to and from the beach.
255. going to Broadway shows whenever we hit New York City for any length of time.
256. taking you to Victoria's Secret and watching you walk around unafraid, a man in a woman's world.
257. that no matter how hard I cried you could always follow it up with even harder laughter.
258. sitting on the couch play 'you sunk my battleship' for hours at a time.
259. you calling me from the office and having to whisper into the phone to talk making every word you said sound sexy and a little dirty.
260. how we always had to snuggle into each other whenever we sat together. Even if we were in public.
261. how you wanted to learn about and love everything that I loved.
262. wanting to learn about and love everything that you loved.
263. reading a book you just finished so we could spend months gabbing about it.
264. that after nearly 10 years together we still got mistaken as newly weds.
265. going to the State Fair and talking animal husbandry.
266. you telling the story about eating chicken feet and spicy fox (that you thought was spicy frogs) while in China.
267. the feel of your whiskers.
268. walking through the botanical gardens after putting our dog down because neither of us wanted to face that empty house.
269. having you wake me up in the middle of the night because I was laughing in my sleep and you wanted in on the joke.
270. taking turns reading aloud in bed to each other.
271. you'd always find a workable solution, no matter the problem.
272. how much you loved animals.
273. the smell of you BBQing on the back deck.
274. how you'd tilt your head and smile when I'd look at you.
275. the two of us dancing around the living room together with the dog following and getting underfoot.
276. when the last episode of The Sopranos first aired and it cut to black, we just looked at each other and started laughing hysterically.
277. that you wanted to live on a 20 acre property and buy alpacas to keep from having to mow.
278. that every time Jurassic Park came on tv we'd have to watch it.
279. same goes for My Cousin Vinnie.
280. carefully packing up your suitcase for you each week before you headed down the road.
281. that I knew all of the passwords to your accounts and you knew all the passwords to my accounts.
282. sharing every stupid little piece of nothing thought I've had during the day with you, and you never got bored listening.
283. you sharing every silly piece of nonsense you thought up during the day with me, and I never got bored listening.
284. how ecstatic you'd get when I joined you on the road for your job.
285. having you help me cross off an item from my bucket list by counter-balancing me so I could pee over the edge of the Grand Canyon on our honeymoon.
286. yelling out "I'm cooking tonight" when you walked in the door which, of course, meant we were going out for dinner.
287. you calling me from the office when you were having a bad day, talking for ten minutes, and then telling me 'Thanks honey, I feel much better now'.
288. how excited you'd get at Halloween to see all the neighborhood kids in their costumes.
289. the pure joy you radiated every time you walked out the door the head to band practice. You told me once it felt like a missing part of your life had been restored.
290. on our one year wedding anniversary trip to New Orleans I split the back of my pants and you had to walk directly behind me until we found a clothing shop, the whole while laughing so hard we couldn't breath.
291. how no matter how many times I spoke about the waste of sending roses on Valentine's Day - you sent them to me anyway.
292. the day we went to adopt a new dog. I wanted the calmer, bigger dog. You wanted the nutcase that is our border collie mix, Belle. She was the better choice. Your dog has helped pull me through.
293. thanking you for loving me so well.
294. calling you to get driving directions even though you're at work at an out of state client site. (I still can't figure out how to get to the mall except directly from our house.)
295. tickling you every time Brett Favre appears on screen because it really does help the Packers win.
296. the way the bed would creak every time you'd roll over in your sleep.
297. the way you'd cook for twenty people even if there were four of us total.
298. how you'd try and sneak books off the shelves to take into the bathroom with you even though it grossed me out entirely and I nearly always caught you.
299. how you were always ready and eager for a new adventure.
300. your fast wit, always with a comeback at the ready.
301. that you never used put-down humor or used humor to make someone feel small.
302. that you felt it your duty to defend the underdog and those who could not protect themselves.
303. that you never promised anything you couldn't deliver and you kept a promise once it was made.
304. how you always thanked me for all I did from doing laundry to listening to you vent about work.
305. laying my head on your lap while watching tv.
306. surprising you by setting the table and lighting candles as if we having company for dinner when it was just the two of us.
307. calling you during the day to tell you the many exploits of your crazy dog.
308. having my best confidant around to help sort things out.
309. having a "girls night in" when we'd drink my girly sweet wine, do facials and share a long hot soak in the tub.
310. playing table top football with the rolled up paper from a straw, only to have it bounce over your head and hit the people behind you. It happened every. single. time.
311. going into stores and trying on the most expensive items. Just because.
312. our Christmas Eve traditions of a big Italian meal, inviting all our friends to join us. The evening ending with us on the couch, spiked eggnog in hand, only candles and the lights from the tree, opening one gift each, reminiscing about getting engaged years ago and how much our love has grown since then.
313. that our three best celebrated holidays during the year were: your birthday, my birthday, and our wedding anniversary.
314. spending time with my best friend. You.
315. how very much you enjoyed playing host and always went full hog when entertaining.
316. how being in your life made me want to be a better person.
317. watching you squiggle and squirm and eventually just start singing "Yellow Submarine" at the top of your lungs to distract yourself from all the tickling while receiving a foot massage in Shanghai.
318. that you secretly hated going to strip clubs all your life but never wanted to spoil the fun for your friends and so suffered in silence. Then I begged you to go into a strip club on Bourbon Street in New Orleans. You said it was the first time you'd ever enjoyed a strip club.
319. when aggressive dogs would approach us you'd growl and bark at them until they went running off in stunned silence.
320. how you'd twitch in your sleep, sometime waking yourself up.
321. the way we'd team up and help each other tackle our fears. And doing it laughing.
322. being silly and goofy like we were thirteen year old kids.
323. that I was allowed to join in the family jokes that went back to before we met.
324. you putting me before all others.
325. me putting you before all others.
326. how you saved business cards from everywhere we'd ever been.
327. your inquisitiveness. Always wanting to learn something new, always ready to ask questions, always interested in the world.
328. how you taught me my value was beyond measure.
329. the huge amount of respect you had for women and the way it shined through in your actions and speech.
330. your amazing intelligence on such a wide range of subjects. 
331. the time you would take to stop and truly listen to people. There's was always time to hear someone out.
332. your willingness to stay until the job was completed, whatever the task.
333. standing in the middle of our street, our arms circled round each other's waists, looking up at the stars.
334. listening to you and your brother Frank throw movie quips back and forth like boxers in a ring.
335. seeing how deeply you loved your family.
336. the way you pulled a t-shirt over your head, just like a little kid getting dressed.
337. picking mulberries from our tree and having dark stained fingertips and lips from the ones we ate while standing in our yard.
338. how just thinking about you could raise butterflies of excitement in my stomach.
339. just how little it actually took to make you happy, so easily pleased.
340. surprising you at the office by showing up to take you out to lunch.
341. the weeks you'd be able to work from home. Every time I walked past you you I had to reach out and touch you.
342. how unafraid you were of the messiness of life. Always willing to dive right in and get in the mix.
343. that we never ran out of things to say or talk about.
344. falling asleep next to you.
345. waking up next to you.
346. how you put it all on the line for what you believe. I proudly stood beside you each and every time.
347. traveling together. 
348. hearing you call me by your pet names.
349. sitting on the beach on Sanibel Island watching a seagull empty out a woman's beach bag one item at a time as you gave a sportscaster's running commentary.
350. having my best friend to lean on, and to be leaned on in return.
351. whispering all our secrets as we lay in bed at night.
352. how easy it is to love you.
353. the meaning my life gained in loving you.
354. growing with you.
355. learning with you.
356. laughing with you.
357. hoping with you.
358. working with you.
359. playing with you.
360. sharing with you.
361. living with you.
362. loving with you.
363. Existing. With. You.
364. saying the words "I love you".
365. hearing the words "I love you" said in return.

The Wedding Gig

"Life goes on - that's what I should have said. That's what you say to people when a loved one dies. But, thinking it over, I was glad I didn't. Because maybe that was what she was afraid of."

"The Wedding Gig" Skeleton Crew - Stephen King

Documenting our Life

I make decisions in multiple stages now instead of one fell swoop. I think it's a functionality of my fogged in brain. I can't always see how to get from point A to point B. But I can take one step away from point A while keeping point B in my sight lines. Eventually I manage to get to point B, even if it means side trips through points L, M, N, O and P. For instance:

A few people suggested that I should take pictures of Steve's belongings that I no longer wanted to keep but found difficult to release. I had to hear that suggestion many times before I could absorb the idea. Then, one day, while cleaning out the fridge I decided I needed to throw out Steve's hot sauces. I don't do spicy and every time I looked at them they hurt my heart more than they could ever hurt my tongue or stomach. So I photographed them and then placed them in the trash.

That was several months ago and I don't think I've managed to sort through anything of Steve's since.

Here's my confession. Right after Steve died I gave his clothes to my younger brother. My brother who likes to dress well but hasn't the resources to do it. He was so excited to have these clothes. To dress nice. And I was so happy to see that Steve's belongings were going to someone who could appreciate and use them. It felt good and right. But now, nearly a year later, I wish I had them back. I saved several pieces but there are many more I wish I had kept. Which is silly and stupid. I have no idea what I'd do with them. All I know is my heart calls out for them. But they reside in Hawaii. And it doesn't feel right to ask for them back when I know my brother is putting them to good use. Besides, postage from Hawaii is a real bitch.

So I'm trying something new. Actually, it isn't all that new. At Christmas I took pictures of Christmas ornaments that held meaning for Steve and I. I did it not because I'm getting rid of those things but because it brought me joy to tell the stories behind them. I'm thinking that if I take pictures of items that I want to separate from, along with pictures of items that I'm keeping that hold memories, maybe I can start the sorting process again. Maybe I can pick back up and start moving forward again. Cause I'm stuck. And getting stuck is one thing but staying stuck is something altogether different.

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These are three of Steve's hot sauces. I had already thrown a couple out before I took this picture and it hurt so much to do it that I sometimes think it would've been easier for me to simply drink them gone. Somehow taking pictures of these remaining three made throwing those two out earlier a little more bearable.

The Dave's Insanity sauce (far right) was a result from a challenge from Steve that a hot sauce hadn't been made that he considered "too hot". I bought Dave's Insanity planning on slowly stepping things up over the months with others I knew to be hotter. He tried one little drop from the bottle and it was the only time I ever saw my husband drink straight from the milk carton. It makes the game a little boring when you hit a home-run first time up to bat. It was defiantly worth it, though.

The Submission sauce (far left) was something we picked up on our one year wedding anniversary in New Orleans. We stumbled onto a store that had hot sauces floor to ceiling and the length of the store. Steve was in seventh heaven. We bought three but only the Submission sauce was hot enough to last this long. We had both agreed that when it was finally empty we'd go back to New Orleans, to that strange little shop with thousand of bottles, and pick up three more. Sometimes I think there are places in this world I may never return to because the memories of what else we wanted to do in that place are as thick as cobwebs. New Orleans is one of those places. Then again, what better place is there to go see ghosts?

This is Steve's convertible. All his life he wanted one. We saved hard for three years so we could walk onto the lot, write a check, and drive off. Somewhere I have pictures of the night we went to pick it up. I made the dealership put a big bow on it. They had it out front and center with the staff standing in a semi-circle waiting for us. Made him feel like a rock star. He loved this car. And I loved him in it.

I have been driving it ever since he died. Matter of fact, I've figured out that I need to sell one of the cars so I'm selling mine. (Eventually. I make decisions in multiple stages. Recall it?) Steve's car I plan to keep until I can put those black antique license plates on it. Then I plan to drive it some more.

This planter is just one of those silly married couple things. Steve loved birds. The six bird feeders out back prove that. He loved watching all the different types of birds come to visit the feeders. He loved watching the baby birds chirp and fluff themselves trying to get mama to feed them. He loved yelling "Birdie beat down!" whenever a bird fight broke out. So whenever I saw a bird item that wasn't too cheesy or too abstract - I'd buy it. Just like every time he saw a monkey he'd buy it. (Monkeys being the thing I collected.) I keep this planter on the front porch by the steps so that when I come or go I can look at it and think of Steve. And his love of all things feathered.

Duma Key

"...the only way to go on is to go on. To say I can do this even when you know you can't."

Duma Key - Stephen King

Up in the Air

"If you think about it… your favorite memories, the most important moments in your life… were you alone? … Life’s better with company."

- Up in the Air

Keep Me In Your Heart for Awhile

Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile

There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sometimes when you're doing simple things
around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile

You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on
your blouse
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for awhile

These wheels keep turning but they're running out
of steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Keep me in your heart for awhile