365 Days

...365 things I miss...

1. holding your hand.
2. laying my head on your shoulder.
3. the smell of you cooking sauce.
4. the way you jump up and down and clap when you get excited and happy, like the world's largest little boy.
5. dancing around the house with you.
6. that you were the first person I was ever completely safe with.
7. your soft kisses on the back of my neck.
8. rubbing my thumb over your knuckle.
9. you laughing that I actually twiddle my thumbs every time you catch me doing it.
10. kissing your back surgery scar every night when I crawl into bed.
11. hiding stuffed monkeys in your luggage.
12. the smell of your cigars.
13. that you loved your job.
14. the weight and heat of your hand on my thigh when I drive.
15. poking your belly button.
16. listening to the music you play on your guitar drift in through the open windows.
17. staring into your chocolate brown eyes.
18. that my car was in your name and had your plates on it.
19. that your car was in my name and had my plates on it.
20. kissing your bald spot as I walk past you.
21. the way you'd sometime slap your knee when you laughed.
22. farting in public with you. The fancier the place, the better.
23. that you always considered everyone's opinions important.
24. driving you to the airport for your business trips.
25. "143" text messages.
26. always knowing where you were.
27. you always knowing where I was.
28. us, singing along to the radio in the car.
29. that you called me from the rose garden of the White House.
30. sitting in your lap.
31. your American history knowledge.
32. how slow you read but how well you retained the information.
33. finding and downloading new songs to surprise you.
34. that you wanted me to pack that entire suitcase of my shoes for our honeymoon.
35. washing dishes after you've cooked.
36. watching the birds on the back deck with you.
37. the sound of your c-pap machine whispering in the night.
38. standing on the front porch and waving until you drove out of sight.
39. feeling like the most beautiful woman in the room when you'd look at me.
40. dancing in the shower while you played guitar sitting outside the bathroom door.
41. finding the perfect dress to make your eyes light up when I walk out of the bedroom.
42. buying underwear for you.
43. how happy you'd get when I cleaned the jewelry you bought me and then wore it, all fresh and sparkly.
44. your concern for others.
45. you saying in shock "How'd SHE get up here?" when I'd spot you and the dog on the couch together.
46. your little happy noise when I'd turn over in the night and wrap myself around you.
47. turning over in the night and wrapping myself around you.
48. the way you'd make me laugh until my tummy hurt and yet I still couldn't stop laughing.
49. you pushing on my belly when I was laughing hard and couldn't stop - to keep me from throwing up.
50. how you'd surprise me with delivered flowers for no reason at all.
51. surprising you with new restaurants to try.
52. ordering Beluga caviar on our honeymoon, at your urging, only to find out I like the cheap caviar better.
53. the frantic hours trying to get the house perfect before you got home from a business trip so we could spend all our time together relaxing.
54. the look on your face when we could drive with the top down.
55. your nervousness at standing on the porch to watch storms roll in.
56. you warming my toes in your hands when we sat on the couch.
57. no matter the hour, you'd always make me coffee.
58. that you searched for a year to find coffee beans we both loved.
59. having you wash my back.
60. on our one year wedding anniversary trip to New Orleans taking an air boat ride to catch alligators, catching none until you finally prayed to your mom to stop messing around with our vacation, then immediately catching a tiny baby alligator before having to head back to land.
61. your counter balance of thought when making big decisions, you always saw things from an angle I just can't seem to capture.
62. photo texts of the monkeys I packed, staged in your hotel room.
63. thanking you for mowing and weed whacking the yard. (It's harder to do all in one day then I thought.)
64. that we'd walk out, having dressed in separate rooms, looking like we tried to dress the same.
65. our shared history. 
66. asking you about your day and then settling in for a nice long chat.
67. you calling True Blood "that show about 20-somethings and their sexual issues".
68. all the food you'd put out for Packer games.
69. picking you up at the airport from a business trip.
70. your support of my right to smoke.
71. long road trips where we spent so much time talking we never turned on the radio.
72. the scent of your cologne on your skin. (It smells different on me.)
73. the hours we spent on the phone when you got back to your hotel room at night.
74. that you loved my father as if he were your own.
75. that you allowed me to love your mother as if she were my own.
76. that we called Vincent D'Onofrio "chicken neck" because of the way he always tilts his head on Law & Order: Criminal Intent.
77. ironing all your clothes so you'd look your best.
78. thanking you for taking out the trash.
79. how you'd wear a monkey tie on the first day of each new project and on interviews for good luck.
80. us trying to agree on ratings on our Netflix account.
81. that you finally recognized the genius that is The Cure.
82. that you smoked dope for the first time in your 40's.
83. that smoking dope and The Cure happened on the same night.
84. making haircut appointments for you.
85. running out onto the front porch as soon as I heard you drive up.
86. packing love notes in with your lunch.
87. how you never - never - gave up on me.
88. how happy it made you when I'd sing quietly into your ear as we slow danced.
89. rubbing your soft earlobes between my fingers.
90. finding the newest internet phenomenons so you could impress your colleagues with your "hipness".
91. wearing clothing with birds on them for you.
92. how insanely happy the dog would get when you walked in the door.
93. worrying you'll get skin cancer on your bald spot.
94. finding hats/sunglasses/sleep-masks to fit your big pumpkin head.
95. when the birds would start fighting over a place at the feeders you'd call out "birdie beat down".
96. smelling 37 different soaps at Bath and Body Works with me to find something that wasn't too girly.
97. that you fulfilled a lifelong dream of mine by taking me to China. For five weeks.
98. that I fulfilled a lifelong dream of yours by taking you to Green Bay to see Brett Favre play. Twice.
99. you killing all the icky spiders for me.
100. when we argued we would flip each other off and immediately start laughing, thus ending the argument.
101. that I never got a chance to see your band play on stage so I could throw panties at you.
102. growing older with you.
103. that you proudly kept a picture of me on your desk of when I was in high school and had a mohawk.
104. being the youngest couple at the symphony on Gershwin night. And loving it.
105. ordering you a Johnnie Walker Blue, straight up, as a surprise on special occasions.
106. you never got to tell me in depth about being in the west wing of the White House.
107. comparing the largeness of your hands to the smallness of my hands.
108. having you hold and rock me when I cry.
109. rubbing sunscreen on your back.
110. the feel of your lips on mine.
111. searching for shoes to fit your wide feet.
112. you pretending to be a metro-sexual by calling your hair gunk "product".
113. The moment on Christmas Eve at Rockefeller Center when I turned around, saw you on the ground and began sinking to my knees so I could help you up only to realize you were down on bended knee - to ask for my hand in marriage.
114. I've only ever been able to remember the first sentence you said to me when you ask me to marry you, "I've waited for you all my life" - the rest is just a blur of tears and inner dialog of "ohmygawd ohmygawd ohmygawd".
115. hearing your "crushed nuts" joke. (No one else can tell it like you do.)
116. you groaning and then laughing every time I started a sentence "Alternatively, we could...".
117. all the legwork you'd put in to our trips. (It's so overwhelming to do it all on my own.)
118. the nights I would get drunk and you'd stay sober so you could reassure me the next day I did not make an ass of myself in public.
119. the nights we both got drunk and made asses of ourselves in public but didn't care.
120. you playing 'Stairway to Gilligan's Island'. (I still swear it's how you won my dad over.)
121. that you would plan your yearly trips with your cousin for three months before hand.
122. the birthday binders that you'd put together for me each year with our activities for the day all mapped out.
123. your supportive and calming words to me when dealing with my crazy family.
124. that you learned to like Southern Rock, excluding that one Lynyrd Skynyrd song referencing Neil Young.
125. how you always had my back.
126. how I always had your back.
127. visiting New York and hearing stories about your childhood on nearly every corner.
128. your compulsion to buy every stuffed monkey you ever laid eyes on because they reminded you of me.
129. "tickle woo?"
130. the scuffing sound of your slippers when you walk. (Now I wear them.)
131. how you always knew the names of all the actors but I knew all their faces and voices.
132. sitting around and talking about your mom. 
133. seeing you dressed up in your suit and thinking "Hellz yeah, that's my man!".
134. how you'd place your hand in the small of my back when I wore heels to steady me.
135. having you ask about my day.
136. watching you drag every new male visitor to our house straight to the footballs I got signed for you in Green Bay.
137. you feeding Frosty Paws to the dogs. (I can't even find where to buy it.)
138. how you'd pull into the driveway, top down, stereo cranked.
139. having you decide what color I should paint my nails.
140. your tongue poking out of your mouth as you sleep.
141. reading your new blog entries, even though they were mostly about football picks.
142. watching you start up the grill.
143. picking out Christmas cards with you.
144. watching you struggle to keep a straight face when you took a business call at home and I'd flash you.
145. having you upkeep our technologies so I never got computer viruses. (I've had three bad ones in the last year.)
146. laughing out loud as I read in bed and having you look over at me then saying "tell me about it".
147. all the wonderful articles you'd forward to me.
148. that everyone you knew felt safe in opening up with you about things they had never told anyone.
149. you rubbing my back in the morning to wake me up.
150. going to art museums with you.
151. sending postcards home written to you while we were still on our vacations.
152. thanking you for taking the cars to be detailed.
153. that you never thought it a big deal to go out and buy me tampons.
154. you standing up for me when I can't stand up for myself.
155. you indulged my obsession of shoes.
156. you doing the grocery shopping. (It took me nine months to find a decent grocery store. Nine months!)
157. hearing you tell me I'm a good wife.
158. trying to find that next little thing that will happily surprise you.
159. how fun you thought my glittery hooker eye-make was. (I never wear it anymore. I don't know if I ever will again.)
160. that you were always willing to sit down and play with children.
161. that you could talk to anyone.
162. the look on your face when you would realize that yes, I really am going to buy you that (guitar, grill, amp) expensive toy that we had only come to "look at".
163. you calling me to look out the window of the back door to see the baby birds, or squirrels, or chipmunks doing something cute.
164. lighting sticks of incense to place all around us to keep the mosquitoes from devouring you.
165. that you would use our Kroger points to gas up our cars. (I don't even know where the Kroger station is located. Then again, I've quit shopping at Kroger.)
166. going to the beach with you. My favorite place with my favorite person. 
167. trying to convince you not to dress like a character from The Sopranos.
168. secretly enjoying that you sometimes did dress like a mobster.
169. joking how your dad was a mailman and you designed e-mail systems, so really, you're in the family business.
170. hearing you cheerily say "right again, honey!".
171. that you helped me pick out and buy every stitch of clothing I own because I wanted to make sure you liked it or I wouldn't wear it.
172. that I helped you pick out and buy every stitch of clothing you owned because you wanted to make sure I like it or you wouldn't wear it.
173. your fingers getting tangled in my curls.
174. how excited you would get every summer for me to make my potato salad.
175. that you trusted me to not just take care of, but also make medical decisions for, your mother.
176. how much pride you took in my needle work, bragging to people I had learned it at my grandmother's knee.
177. driving by a field and testing your city-boy knowledge of was growing in said field. You were getting real country at being able to tell the crops apart.
178. having you hold the ladder as I climbed up. (Turns out I don't feel safe unless it's you at the bottom.)
179. walking the dog with you.
180. how you always managed to find the theater with the least amount of people in it when we'd go to the movies.
181. that I never needed an electric blanket once we got married.
182. that we never got our ten year wedding anniversary tattoos.
183. your joy at putting up tacky Christmas decorations.
184. how "y'all" replaced "yous guys" in your Yankee vocabulary.
185. the look on your face the morning you came downstairs to find your mother teaching me to swear in Italian.
186. you introduced me to Sling Blade and I introduced you to Leolo.
187. hearing you play and sing the song you wrote for me when we were dating.
188. watching you shave.
189. making love with you.
190. your perfect, infectious smile.
191. asking if there's a puppy in your belly whenever your stomach would growl loudly.
192. winning the argument about if you need to wear sunscreen your first time out in the sun every year. (After that first disastrous year when I lost the argument and you looked like a lobster.)
193. watching one hour television shows over the course of three hours because we have to keep putting it on pause to talk about some arcane factoid.
194. that you thought I looked adorable in my flannel monkey pajamas, sick and with frizzy hair.
195. that you never got sick.
196. except for when you did and were perfectly lucid with a temperature of one hundred and three. You freak.
197. your patience at listening to me tell a story three times while I tried to work something through my head.
198. holding hands anytime we were walking anywhere together.
199. holding hands anytime we were sitting anywhere together.
200. that I never got the kitchen redone for you to cook in.
201. "Scraggle me!"
202. you teaching me all the intricacies of football calls and never making me feel stupid in the process.
203. that you figured out telling me "gossip" about the football players helped keep me interested during the season.
204. that we never rushed and said "love ya, buh-bye", we always took the time to say our goodbyes.
205. when either one of us came home, everything stopped so we could say our hellos.
206. that if either us couldn't take a call from the other, and the person called back a second time immediately after the first, we knew it was an emergency and to take the call.
207. that neither of us ever abused the emergency call system.
208. that you loved I dyed my hair fire engine red for my 30th birthday, just like my old punker days, sans mohawk.
209. that you encouraged me to go ahead and dye it smurf blue while I was at it.
210. "Yoikes and away!"
211. listening to you talk on the phone with your family.
212. seeing you laid back in your recliner with your arm tuck up behind your head.
213. smacking your tight little ass when you'd walk past me from the shower.
214. your funny Top Ten lists a la David Letterman.
215. your 86 mph fastball.
216. going out to a really nice dinner with you, both of us dressed to the nines.
217. sitting on the front porch and watching the moon rise with you.
218. napping on the beach next to you.
219. your goofy stories.
220. how, every time you'd dance, you'd strike the Saturday Night Fever pose.
221. how you always wanted to retire to a cabin in the mountains but I wanted to retire to a beach house somewhere warm.
222. then you decided we'd retire to the beach after you saw how the ocean calmed my senses.
223. we finally decided to retire to a mountainous beach area in Italy so we could have the best of both worlds after watching an episode of International House Hunters.
224. that you always forgave me when I screwed up.
225. that you always apologized when you screwed up.
226. that you were a loyal friend.
227. you never turned a thought or idea away out of hand, you were always willing to consider every option and possibility.
228. that nearly every time we stood in front of a camera we automatically would turn and kiss. (I have few photos of us together facing forward.)
229. being wrapped up in your bear hug arms.
230. planning a future with you.
231. blowing zurburts on your belly in our room when we had company stay the night, making them think we had really bad gas.
232. theme night, 'nuff said.
233. going sledding with you on your childhood sled.
234. hearing stories about your father who died when you were twenty.
235. you telling me I have a headache and to go take some Tylenol.
236. that you believed real men cry. And did so proudly.
237. your ability to teach anyone anything. You should have been a teacher.
238. the sound of your voice.
239. the smell of your skin.
240. you waking me up in the middle of the night to tell me you had that Bugs Bunny nightmare again. The one you've had since you were five.
241. that we never got to finish our cross-country road trip. We still have Vegas to San Fransisco to drive.
242. spending five hours on Saturday in our pj's sitting on the back deck eating breakfast.
243. how absolutely terrified I was when you had back surgery and how absolutely grateful I was to be able to care for you during your recovery.
244. watching you, enthralled in reading maps.
245. going with you each fall to vote in the elections.
246. snickering through Christmas Eve service like ten year olds.
247. that you thought a Vegas wedding at a drive-thru chapel, in a vintage pink '55 Cadillac, driven by Elvis, followed by a bowling reception was the best idea ever.
248. when I was sick you'd leave work to come and check on me.
249. growing tomatoes for you.
250. walking into the house to you practicing "Sweet Child 'o Mine" on the guitar.
251. telling you how great a husband you are.
252. receiving cards for every little holiday with long love letters written inside from you.
253. giving cards for every little holiday with long love letter written inside from me.
254. staying at a bed and breakfast on the Eastern Shore and visiting antique shops on the way to and from the beach.
255. going to Broadway shows whenever we hit New York City for any length of time.
256. taking you to Victoria's Secret and watching you walk around unafraid, a man in a woman's world.
257. that no matter how hard I cried you could always follow it up with even harder laughter.
258. sitting on the couch play 'you sunk my battleship' for hours at a time.
259. you calling me from the office and having to whisper into the phone to talk making every word you said sound sexy and a little dirty.
260. how we always had to snuggle into each other whenever we sat together. Even if we were in public.
261. how you wanted to learn about and love everything that I loved.
262. wanting to learn about and love everything that you loved.
263. reading a book you just finished so we could spend months gabbing about it.
264. that after nearly 10 years together we still got mistaken as newly weds.
265. going to the State Fair and talking animal husbandry.
266. you telling the story about eating chicken feet and spicy fox (that you thought was spicy frogs) while in China.
267. the feel of your whiskers.
268. walking through the botanical gardens after putting our dog down because neither of us wanted to face that empty house.
269. having you wake me up in the middle of the night because I was laughing in my sleep and you wanted in on the joke.
270. taking turns reading aloud in bed to each other.
271. you'd always find a workable solution, no matter the problem.
272. how much you loved animals.
273. the smell of you BBQing on the back deck.
274. how you'd tilt your head and smile when I'd look at you.
275. the two of us dancing around the living room together with the dog following and getting underfoot.
276. when the last episode of The Sopranos first aired and it cut to black, we just looked at each other and started laughing hysterically.
277. that you wanted to live on a 20 acre property and buy alpacas to keep from having to mow.
278. that every time Jurassic Park came on tv we'd have to watch it.
279. same goes for My Cousin Vinnie.
280. carefully packing up your suitcase for you each week before you headed down the road.
281. that I knew all of the passwords to your accounts and you knew all the passwords to my accounts.
282. sharing every stupid little piece of nothing thought I've had during the day with you, and you never got bored listening.
283. you sharing every silly piece of nonsense you thought up during the day with me, and I never got bored listening.
284. how ecstatic you'd get when I joined you on the road for your job.
285. having you help me cross off an item from my bucket list by counter-balancing me so I could pee over the edge of the Grand Canyon on our honeymoon.
286. yelling out "I'm cooking tonight" when you walked in the door which, of course, meant we were going out for dinner.
287. you calling me from the office when you were having a bad day, talking for ten minutes, and then telling me 'Thanks honey, I feel much better now'.
288. how excited you'd get at Halloween to see all the neighborhood kids in their costumes.
289. the pure joy you radiated every time you walked out the door the head to band practice. You told me once it felt like a missing part of your life had been restored.
290. on our one year wedding anniversary trip to New Orleans I split the back of my pants and you had to walk directly behind me until we found a clothing shop, the whole while laughing so hard we couldn't breath.
291. how no matter how many times I spoke about the waste of sending roses on Valentine's Day - you sent them to me anyway.
292. the day we went to adopt a new dog. I wanted the calmer, bigger dog. You wanted the nutcase that is our border collie mix, Belle. She was the better choice. Your dog has helped pull me through.
293. thanking you for loving me so well.
294. calling you to get driving directions even though you're at work at an out of state client site. (I still can't figure out how to get to the mall except directly from our house.)
295. tickling you every time Brett Favre appears on screen because it really does help the Packers win.
296. the way the bed would creak every time you'd roll over in your sleep.
297. the way you'd cook for twenty people even if there were four of us total.
298. how you'd try and sneak books off the shelves to take into the bathroom with you even though it grossed me out entirely and I nearly always caught you.
299. how you were always ready and eager for a new adventure.
300. your fast wit, always with a comeback at the ready.
301. that you never used put-down humor or used humor to make someone feel small.
302. that you felt it your duty to defend the underdog and those who could not protect themselves.
303. that you never promised anything you couldn't deliver and you kept a promise once it was made.
304. how you always thanked me for all I did from doing laundry to listening to you vent about work.
305. laying my head on your lap while watching tv.
306. surprising you by setting the table and lighting candles as if we having company for dinner when it was just the two of us.
307. calling you during the day to tell you the many exploits of your crazy dog.
308. having my best confidant around to help sort things out.
309. having a "girls night in" when we'd drink my girly sweet wine, do facials and share a long hot soak in the tub.
310. playing table top football with the rolled up paper from a straw, only to have it bounce over your head and hit the people behind you. It happened every. single. time.
311. going into stores and trying on the most expensive items. Just because.
312. our Christmas Eve traditions of a big Italian meal, inviting all our friends to join us. The evening ending with us on the couch, spiked eggnog in hand, only candles and the lights from the tree, opening one gift each, reminiscing about getting engaged years ago and how much our love has grown since then.
313. that our three best celebrated holidays during the year were: your birthday, my birthday, and our wedding anniversary.
314. spending time with my best friend. You.
315. how very much you enjoyed playing host and always went full hog when entertaining.
316. how being in your life made me want to be a better person.
317. watching you squiggle and squirm and eventually just start singing "Yellow Submarine" at the top of your lungs to distract yourself from all the tickling while receiving a foot massage in Shanghai.
318. that you secretly hated going to strip clubs all your life but never wanted to spoil the fun for your friends and so suffered in silence. Then I begged you to go into a strip club on Bourbon Street in New Orleans. You said it was the first time you'd ever enjoyed a strip club.
319. when aggressive dogs would approach us you'd growl and bark at them until they went running off in stunned silence.
320. how you'd twitch in your sleep, sometime waking yourself up.
321. the way we'd team up and help each other tackle our fears. And doing it laughing.
322. being silly and goofy like we were thirteen year old kids.
323. that I was allowed to join in the family jokes that went back to before we met.
324. you putting me before all others.
325. me putting you before all others.
326. how you saved business cards from everywhere we'd ever been.
327. your inquisitiveness. Always wanting to learn something new, always ready to ask questions, always interested in the world.
328. how you taught me my value was beyond measure.
329. the huge amount of respect you had for women and the way it shined through in your actions and speech.
330. your amazing intelligence on such a wide range of subjects. 
331. the time you would take to stop and truly listen to people. There's was always time to hear someone out.
332. your willingness to stay until the job was completed, whatever the task.
333. standing in the middle of our street, our arms circled round each other's waists, looking up at the stars.
334. listening to you and your brother Frank throw movie quips back and forth like boxers in a ring.
335. seeing how deeply you loved your family.
336. the way you pulled a t-shirt over your head, just like a little kid getting dressed.
337. picking mulberries from our tree and having dark stained fingertips and lips from the ones we ate while standing in our yard.
338. how just thinking about you could raise butterflies of excitement in my stomach.
339. just how little it actually took to make you happy, so easily pleased.
340. surprising you at the office by showing up to take you out to lunch.
341. the weeks you'd be able to work from home. Every time I walked past you you I had to reach out and touch you.
342. how unafraid you were of the messiness of life. Always willing to dive right in and get in the mix.
343. that we never ran out of things to say or talk about.
344. falling asleep next to you.
345. waking up next to you.
346. how you put it all on the line for what you believe. I proudly stood beside you each and every time.
347. traveling together. 
348. hearing you call me by your pet names.
349. sitting on the beach on Sanibel Island watching a seagull empty out a woman's beach bag one item at a time as you gave a sportscaster's running commentary.
350. having my best friend to lean on, and to be leaned on in return.
351. whispering all our secrets as we lay in bed at night.
352. how easy it is to love you.
353. the meaning my life gained in loving you.
354. growing with you.
355. learning with you.
356. laughing with you.
357. hoping with you.
358. working with you.
359. playing with you.
360. sharing with you.
361. living with you.
362. loving with you.
363. Existing. With. You.
364. saying the words "I love you".
365. hearing the words "I love you" said in return.