Jimi Thing - Dave Mathews & Tim Reynolds

Lately I've been feeling low
A remedy is what I'm seeking
So I take a taste of what's below
Come away with something better
What I want is what I've not got
But what I need is all around me
Reaching searching never stop
And I'll say...

If you could keep me floating just for a while
'Til I get to the end of this tunnel... brother
If you could keep me floating just for a while
I'll get back to you

Sometime a Jimi Thing
Slides my way to keep me swingin'
I'd like to show you what's inside
I shouldn't care if you do or don't like it
Brother chaos rules all about
Sometimes I take a walk there
Good God sometimes I take a taxi
I should't care, I shouldn't care
Bereaved as I'm feeling

Day is gone I'm on my back
Staring up at the ceiling
So I take a drink sit back and relax
Smoke my mind make me feel
Better for a small time
What I want is what I've not got
But what I need is all around me
Reaching searching never stop
And I'll say

If you could keep me floating just for a while
'Til I get to the end of this tunnel... brother
If you could keep me floating just for a while
I'll get back to you

In My Life - The Beatles

P.S. I Love You

This wonderful man happens to me -- and then -- and then he died! What was the point? I'm so angry I could kill somebody! I'm alone and... it doesn't matter what job I have, or what I do or what I don't do... or what friends I have. He's not here. I'm -- I'm not here.

- P.S. I Love You

Adaptation

"You are what you love, not what loves you."

- Adaptation

Dad

My father died July 29th. Exactly two weeks after the one year anniversary of Steve's death. Exactly two weeks ago today.

Every night after Steve died, shortly after the nightly news ended, my father called to check in on me. I was used to talking with Steve five to ten times a day when he working out of town. So those calls from Dad following Steve's death were a life-line. They kept me tethered when I feared I'd just float away.

Not long after Steve died, and only half joking, I told Dad he had to wait a year to die. I explained I wasn't sure I could bounce back from the two men in my life dieing inside a year. I felt like an ass for saying those words to him but the reality was, I had reason to fear. He was on the losing side of COPD. And none of us had illusions about what that meant.

Dad promised he'd hang in for me.

I reminded him of our deal in December when he broke his hip. And I wasn't joking one damn bit as I sobbed and crawled into his hospital bed to lay alongside him. I had made it through the holidays at that point but had no idea the worst three months were still ahead of me.

Dad waited until a few days after the one year anniversary of Steve's death to tell me of his latest, and last symptoms. He didn't want to worry me when I was so scared about a date on the calendar. But I did get to spend some time with him near the end. I got to do it knowing it was near the end. I'm grateful for that time. For that full year of time.

I just wish I had thanked him for keeping his promise.

All I Want is You - U2

Nobody Sleeps

I never thought that I'd be in a relationship at all. I thought I didn't have what it takes. That no one could possibly love me enough to... stick around. But [he] did. He stuck around. And so did I. And for [10] years, we shared our hearts, our bodies, our souls. It wasn't always easy, and it wasn't always fun. But it was always worth it. I don't know what I did in a previous life, but to quote Julie Andrews as Maria Von Trapp. It must have been something good. Because I've been rewarded a thousandfold in this life.

- Six Feet Under

Butterfly - Crazy Town

Back in middle school, we'd make mixed tapes for our boy/girl friends. Not so much as adults. But when Steve and I were dating he confessed every time he heard this song he'd think of me. I hadn't thought of this song in years when it popped up on my iPod this evening. Made me smile. I need more smiles. I need more Steve. Moments like this is the closest I get anymore. I'll take it.

Stairway to Gilligan's Island

The first time Steve and my father met, Steve played "Stairway to Gilligan's Island" for him. My father was a man who loved goofy songs like "Chicken Train" and "Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road" and "King Tut". So, of course, "Stairway to Gilligan's Island" was gonna send my father over the moon.

We never recorded Steve playing/singing the song, but whenever I hear "Stairway to Heaven" I think of the two of them laughing like loons to this version.

Daddy, I hope Stevie is playing all your favorite tunes for you right now. I love you both. And thank you, Daddy, for carrying me through the first year without Steve.