Marley & Me

"How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?"

- "Marley & Me"

Another birthday he'll never celebrate

Today would have been Steve's 50th birthday. Instead, he'll forever be 47.

This is the first year since his death that I've stayed home in Richmond. The past two years I've gone to Italy. I don't know that it's more difficult or easier, it's simply different. But, damn, I can't get that man out of my head. Puts me in a New York state of mind.

Love you, baby. Always.

 

The Legend of Bagger Vance

Junior: You don't understand.

Bagger Vance: I don't need to understand. Ain't a soul on this entire earth ain't got a burden to carry he don't understand. You ain't alone it that. But you've been carryin' this one long enough. Time to go on. Lay it down.  

Junior: I don't know how.

Bagger Vance: You got a choice. You can stop. Or you can start.  

Junior: Start?

Bagger Vance: Walkin'.  

Junior: Where?

Bagger Vance: Right back to where you always been. And then stand there. Still. Real still. And remember.

Junior: It's too long ago.

Bagger Vance: Oh, no, sir. It was just a moment ago. Time for you to come on out the shadows, Junuh. Time for you to choose.  

Junior: I can't.

Bagger Vance: Yes, you can. But you ain't alone. I'm right here with ya. I've been here all along. Now, play the game. Your game. The one that only you was meant to play. The one that was given to you when you come into this world. You ready?

- "The Legend of Bagger Vance"

I'm Not Dating

A few months back, one by one, my friends started asking me if I thought dating was on my horizon. These friends don't know each other so it wasn't a concerted group effort. They just all decided around the same time that maybe I should started taking a new look at my life.

It freaked me out just a tad.

So I came up with an answer. "Find me an age appropriate, single, Scottish man in our area and I'll go on a date."

Since there really are no Scottish men in Richmond, let alone age appropriate or single, I thought I was safe. I figured I had bought myself some time.

I should have requested a midget Zimbabwean.

About a week ago, one of my girlfriends came over so I could view a profile through her account. He's in the local Scottish Society. He owns a kilt. He plays the bagpipes. In a bagpipe band. Doesn't get much more Scottish in Richmond, Virginia.

I freaked out just a tad.

Several glasses of wine later, much pleading on her part, much pacing around the living room on my part, we agreed she could contact him to see if he may be interested in an e-mail correspondence with me.

"This isn't dating," she said.
"You don't have to go out with him," she said.
"You don't have to talk on the phone with him. You don't have to chat online with him. You don't even have to e-mail with him if you don't want. We're just going to see if he'd be interested in e-mailing. That's all."

Okay. Yeah. I can maybe handle that.

A day or two later, as I'm wandering around my house doing whatever it is I do during the day to fill my time, it occurred to me. I'm still listed as married to Steve on Facebook. I still wear my wedding rings. I still wear Steve's wedding ring on a chain around my neck. What in hell am I doing?

Somewhere there's a quote I love. I'm paraphrasing but it goes something like: in order for opportunity to find you, you have to have your life in order so you can run with it.

And I'm not ready.

Or am I?

Facebook had switched me over to the new timeline the week before. One of the side effects, since I had memorialized Steve's account a year ago, was though I showed as married, I no longer showed as married to Steve. It was the married to Steve part that was always important to me. I had already decided I might as well switch my relationship status to widowed. I just hadn't gotten around to it. So I did. And I now show as widowed on Facebook.

About a month back I started taking Steve's ring from around my neck when I showered, something I've not done in the two years since he died. And I noticed the oddest thing. I felt lighter when it was off. My neck didn't feel so heavy. There's even been a few times when I've forgotten to put it back on. And though I still wear it more than I don't, I'm starting to consciously leave it off more and more. I'm even thinking it may be time to go see the jeweler about melting it down into a new piece of jewelry for me.

Which leaves my wedding rings. And while those still never come off, if I have Steve's ring melted down, they'll be melted down as well. My plan has always been to melt our wedding bands together and reset my engagement diamond into the result. It may be awhile before I make it to the jewelers to discuss my options, but I sense it on the horizon.

And all the sudden, I'm not freaking out so much.

I'm still not dating. But I have started e-mailing the piper. I don't know where it's going, and I don't really need to. My friends were right. It's time for me to start taking a new look at my life.