All the Cappuccino in China - April 20, 2005
Hold on to your breasts and pinch your nipples because the great Samichlaus has returned. Yes, it’s been over a month. Yes, I’m sure all of our loyal fan thought that Samichlaus had retired his keyboard and moved to greener digital pastures, but no. In fact Mrs. Chlaus and I have returned from a month long business trip to China.
Now Samichlaus ain’t no dummy. We will not be blogging about business secrets or coworker’s nuisances hence running the risk of being Dooced (note the use of the blogger savvy terminology. If you want to read a really funny chick blog check her out: www.dooce.com. Whether you have a penis or a vagina Dooce will entertain). Besides, you’re reading Sports Blog Steves, the Internet’s best site for sports insights. So without further ado….
Chinese Sports.
The number one sport for the Asians is called “Take the Westerner’s Money” and there are several variations. The object of the game is to accost the Westerner and attempt to sell them something. Points are awarded as follows: Asians are awarded 2 points for every Westerner who enters their “store”, 5 points for a sale, and an extra point if they sell more than one item. Westerners score points based on how many times they have to say no before the Asian gives up. One no, 5 points two no’s 4 points, 3 no’s three points. Deduct 1 point for a hand gesture and one point for the use of the Mandarin word for no, pronounced “boo-yah”
Without a doubt, Karen excelled at this game. Her specialty was the ubiquitous variation known as “Hey Lady want a bag?” and a typical round went like this:
Asian: Hey lady bag? Hey lady bag? Hey lady bag?
Karen: No
Asian: Hey lady bag? Just come in and look (tugging at Karen)
Karen; (crossing her wrists in the Asian gesture for no) NO!
Asian: Hey mister, watch? Rolex?
Game over. Karen scores 3 points to the Asian’s nothing. The Asian has opted to start a new game with Samichlaus who looks strikingly like f*ing Buddha with a goatee.
Asian: Hello? Hello? Hey mister, watch?
Samichlaus: NO! NO! NO! (Waving wildly) Boo Ya! Boo Ya! (nearly running over his petite wife while trying to avoid the evil watch saleswoman)
No points awarded.
When the final tally was calculated, yours truly scored a respectable 63 points for while allowing 48 points against. Karen however set a new International record by scoring 793 points for, 480 points against and 5 bags purchased.
There were several other sports that were popular in China. One of my favorites, called “Take the long way home” was played during rush hour and involved taxi drivers. Another called “Eat this you gluttonous fat American” was enjoyed by the Asians and involved eating “exotic” foods like bird spit and chicken feet. The feet, by the way, were delicious.
And then there was the cappuccino.
Yes I drank a lot of tea, and bottled water was the only water you can drink, but what amazed me was the amount of cappuccino I consumed. Asians don’t know how to make coffee, but they do know how to make cappuccino. In fact all they have is cappuccino makers, so if you order coffee you get cappuccino without the milk. Out thought was “What the hell”. So we ordered cappuccino every day and damn if it wasn’t the best goddamn cappuccino I ever freakin tasted. Delicious, frothy, smooth cappuccino, as if Marco Polo himself gave them the secret in the 1100’s AD as a way of saying thank you for rigatoni.
I have much more to write. The NFL draft is this weekend. Baseball started while we were gone. The NCAA finals were dribble-riffic. And when we got home, the flowers we planted were in bloom and the trees were sprouting leaves. We left in winter and came home to spring, and that just made sense. For on this trip, a second honeymoon as it was, I fell in love with my wife all over again, and all is right in the world.
Now Samichlaus ain’t no dummy. We will not be blogging about business secrets or coworker’s nuisances hence running the risk of being Dooced (note the use of the blogger savvy terminology. If you want to read a really funny chick blog check her out: www.dooce.com. Whether you have a penis or a vagina Dooce will entertain). Besides, you’re reading Sports Blog Steves, the Internet’s best site for sports insights. So without further ado….
Chinese Sports.
The number one sport for the Asians is called “Take the Westerner’s Money” and there are several variations. The object of the game is to accost the Westerner and attempt to sell them something. Points are awarded as follows: Asians are awarded 2 points for every Westerner who enters their “store”, 5 points for a sale, and an extra point if they sell more than one item. Westerners score points based on how many times they have to say no before the Asian gives up. One no, 5 points two no’s 4 points, 3 no’s three points. Deduct 1 point for a hand gesture and one point for the use of the Mandarin word for no, pronounced “boo-yah”
Without a doubt, Karen excelled at this game. Her specialty was the ubiquitous variation known as “Hey Lady want a bag?” and a typical round went like this:
Asian: Hey lady bag? Hey lady bag? Hey lady bag?
Karen: No
Asian: Hey lady bag? Just come in and look (tugging at Karen)
Karen; (crossing her wrists in the Asian gesture for no) NO!
Asian: Hey mister, watch? Rolex?
Game over. Karen scores 3 points to the Asian’s nothing. The Asian has opted to start a new game with Samichlaus who looks strikingly like f*ing Buddha with a goatee.
Asian: Hello? Hello? Hey mister, watch?
Samichlaus: NO! NO! NO! (Waving wildly) Boo Ya! Boo Ya! (nearly running over his petite wife while trying to avoid the evil watch saleswoman)
No points awarded.
When the final tally was calculated, yours truly scored a respectable 63 points for while allowing 48 points against. Karen however set a new International record by scoring 793 points for, 480 points against and 5 bags purchased.
There were several other sports that were popular in China. One of my favorites, called “Take the long way home” was played during rush hour and involved taxi drivers. Another called “Eat this you gluttonous fat American” was enjoyed by the Asians and involved eating “exotic” foods like bird spit and chicken feet. The feet, by the way, were delicious.
And then there was the cappuccino.
Yes I drank a lot of tea, and bottled water was the only water you can drink, but what amazed me was the amount of cappuccino I consumed. Asians don’t know how to make coffee, but they do know how to make cappuccino. In fact all they have is cappuccino makers, so if you order coffee you get cappuccino without the milk. Out thought was “What the hell”. So we ordered cappuccino every day and damn if it wasn’t the best goddamn cappuccino I ever freakin tasted. Delicious, frothy, smooth cappuccino, as if Marco Polo himself gave them the secret in the 1100’s AD as a way of saying thank you for rigatoni.
I have much more to write. The NFL draft is this weekend. Baseball started while we were gone. The NCAA finals were dribble-riffic. And when we got home, the flowers we planted were in bloom and the trees were sprouting leaves. We left in winter and came home to spring, and that just made sense. For on this trip, a second honeymoon as it was, I fell in love with my wife all over again, and all is right in the world.
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