Alice Roosevelt

(Photo from Library of Congress)

Theodore Roosevelt’s diary entry the day his wife (and his mother) died. The following diary entries lovingly describe his courtship, wedding, happiness in marriage, and his grief over the death of his wife Alice, after which he never spoke of the union again.

Baby Won't You Please Come Home - Ella Fitzgerald

A Tweet from Steve

"I miss the earth so much, I miss my wife. It's lonely out in space..." from Rocket Man

Tweeted by Steve on March 23, 2010

A Short Conversation with My Brother-In-Law

In the week after Steve died, I planned for every moment of his service. Right up to the point of what music would play as we walked out of the chapel. After everyone had left, the family waiting outside by their cars, I stood in the foyer of funeral home with a blank look on my face unsure what to do. I hadn't planned for anything past that moment. I was a lost little zombie.

A couple of days after the one year anniversary of Steve's death, my brother-in-law, Butch, called to check on me. And because we have an agreement to never lie, I had to admit I'm feeling a bit unmoored much like after Steve's service concluded. My goal had been to survive the first year. I hadn't planned on anything past that time. I have no idea what comes next.

Butch thinks awhile and says "I know what you need to do".

"Oh yeah? What's that" I ask.

"Go join a local gym," he says.

"Ummmmm." I'm not really liking this idea already.

"Get a personal trainer," he continues.

"Uh huh..." Please oh please don't finish this up with the words triathlon or marathon, I'm thinking.

"And make sure his name is Enrique" he finishes.

...

"Uh. Butch?"

"Yes."

"Are you suggesting I need to get laid?"

"It's been a year. That's all I'm saying."

Had it been anyone else, had it been presented any other way, I'd have been offended. DeRose family trait at it's best, the man had me laughing.

Whatever comes next, I survived the first year.

Be OK - Ingrid Michaelson

Memorializing a Facebook Account

I was asked by a fellow widow to explain the process of memorializing a spouse's Facebook account. In all fairness, these things change as Facebook does site upgrades. There are things I've heard about from widow/ers before me, as well. But first, here's what Facebook has to say:

What does memorializing an account mean? Does it deactivate or delete it?

When a user passes away, we memorialize their account to protect their privacy. Memorializing an account sets the account privacy so that only confirmed friends can see the profile or locate it in search. The Wall remains, so friends and family can leave posts in remembrance. Memorializing an account also prevents anyone from logging into the account.

How do I report a deceased user or an account that needs to be memorialized or deleted?

          Memorializing the account:

Please report this information here, so we can memorialize this person’s account. Memorializing the account restricts profile access to confirmed friends only. Please note that in order to protect the privacy of the deceased user, we cannot provide login information for the account to anyone.

Removing the account:

Verified immediate family members may request the removal of a loved one’s account. This will completely remove the account from Facebook, so no one can view it. We will not restore the account or provide information on its content unless required by law. If you are requesting a removal and are not an immediate family member of the deceased, your request will not be processed. In this case, the account will be memorialized.

If you are an immediate family member and would like to request that we remove your loved one's account from the site, click here. You may also use this form if you have a special request regarding a deceased user's account.

A few point to understand about those two answers in plain-speak:

1. If you have the password and are currently able to sign in to your spouses account, once you request memorization, you will no longer be able to sign in to your spouse's account.
2. You will no longer be able to accept new friend requests on your spouse's behalf.
3. You will no longer be able to delete friends on your spouse's account.
4. Your spouse's name will no longer show up in any Facebook search except to the people on his or her current friends list.
5. Once you have memorialized an account, it WILL NOT be undone.
6. You can choose to delete the account instead of memorializing it, or even after memorializing it. Once the account has been deleted, they WILL NOT RESTORE IT.

The question then becomes - Why memorialize it at all?

That is a personal decision. I decided to do it after a year because I was tired of Facebook notifications showing up in my husband's e-mail account. (I've been trying to get to a point to shut down his e-mail account.) My thoughts were that a year after his death, if people were still looking to friend him on Facebook, it was no longer someone I was interested in having the "oh, I'm so sorry and how did he die" conversations. After a year, they weren't part of his life and I, frankly, no longer wanted to deal with people popping out of the woodwork.

By memorializing his page, all of his friends and myself could still post on his wall, still tag him in newly uploaded pictures *, but I wouldn't have to deal with any "newbies" searching for him.

Disclaimer time: I have heard horror stories from widow/ers who had some glitches when their spouses account was changed over to a memorial page. They lost wall postings made by their spouse, etc. I memorialized Steve's Facebook page a week ago and haven't found anything missing. Those old horror stories may have been sorted out since the messages I read. But there is a way to make sure you don't lose anything from your spouse's account. You can download everything (pictures, wall posts, videos, etc)  from that account. (This is supposing you have the ability to log in as your spouse.) I highly suggest you do this before memorializing the account.

To Download Your Information (everything the account has done/written/uploaded):

1. Log in as your spouse. 
2. Go to the "Account" tab. 
3. Go to the "Settings" tab.
4. Click on "Learn More" next to the "Download Your Information" option.
5. They will walk you through it. You'll need to be able to access your spouse's e-mail account to verify the account download. You may not receive this e-mail for several hours.
6. Once you get receive the e-mail, you may download everything that account has posted, including pictures, videos, wall posts and messages.
7. I suggest you do the same thing for YOUR account to be certain you don't lose anything your spouse may have written on your wall.
8. Once both accounts have been downloaded, feel free to memorialize the account.

I will say one of my biggest fears is that once my husband's account had been memorialized, that both of our accounts would no longer show us as married to each other. Turns out I had nothing to fear. I still show up as his spouse on his page and he still shows up as my spouse on my page. Eventually I may change my status to widowed, but that will happen in my own time when I am ready for it. Of course, once that change has been made, it can not be reverted.

* As of 8/11/12, Facebook allows us to photo tag the person of a memorialized account. That wasn't true for about a year but was true before that year. These things change constantly. Just know that it may change yet again.

If you have any questions about this, feel free to leave a comment on this post or you may reach me at kikimarcus (at) gmail (dot) com.

Read about  Deciding to Delete A Facebook Account.
Read about Creating a Facebook Legacy Contact.

Culled from a commentary article

"A person recalls how he is treated not when he is on top of the world, undefeated, but when he is at his lowest, thinking he will never again see the sun."

 Bob Greene (author)