Tinsel & Tears

As the holidays approach, there is great pressure to be here, go there, do this, that, something-or-other-else. Some widows want to go away for the holidays, spend it anywhere but home. I understand. I've gone on two trips since Steve died and those were the only times I felt I outside the pressure cooker. I still cried but only because I miss my husband. Not because I don't know how to do something or can't find something he put away or stumbled across something I wasn't expecting. There's a relief in being able to mourn the death of my husband without the everyday frustrations of him being gone to work through as well.

There are others, like me, who want to be home with our familiar surroundings. I feel closest to Steve in our home because I have so many memories of us celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas around our table. It scares the crap outta me to stay home for the holidays. So much so I've nearly picked up the phone to say "yes, book the ticket, I'll come to you".

I have already faced a lot of firsts since Steve died. The first trip to the grocery store without Steve, the first overnight stay away from home without Steve, the first party without Steve. Each time I face a 'first' the pain cuts through me like a hot knife. This will be the first Christmas. I could go away and celebrate out of town, but next year or the year after, I'll have to be home for Christmas. Without my husband. That would be another important first. I would rather combine the first Christmas without Steve and the first Christmas at home without Steve into one year. This year.

Just think of me as a pull-the-band-aid-off-quickly kinda gal.

The other part of being where Steve has been, everywhere that holds a memory of Steve is a good memory. It brings me huge comfort to, say, see a dollar we hung on a ceiling and know I can come back and see it again in another five years or watch him play his guitar once more. The comfort of my memories with Steve gets me through the hot knife moments.

So, yes, this year I'll be home for Christmas. I have a couple of firsts to knock off my list. Trust that I have fabulous memories to keep me company.