In the Face of Fear:

... Buddhist Wisdom for Challenging Times. That's the name of the book I'm currently reading. I bought four others.They're a bit on the thinking side. Something my brain isn't very good at these days. Thinking. Processing. Remembering. I'm having a difficult time with all those. Thank God for friends, family and blogs.

This book is an anthology of contemporary Buddhist teachers and writers, a collection of essays building one on another guiding to a new ways of looking at the world and processing the world around us. Or, as it says in the introduction:

We have the freedom to choose how we react to the world, and if we choose wisely, we can find joy, love and happiness even in difficult times. We can transform our world by transforming how we experience it.

I'm looking for a little of that transformation right now. I don't want the death of my husband to be the thing that changed my life in such a way that it shuts me down, that I shut others out, that I give up on experiencing life. That would not be a what Steve would want for me.

My life go better the day I met Steve. The day we joined our lives together it became better yet. He made me want to be a better woman. For him. For those around me. For myself. He enriched me in ways I may never be able to fully comprehend, let alone discuss. The only way I know how to truly honor him is to keep moving forward. Become that better woman. Find my joy in life again.

Tomorrow would have been our eight year wedding anniversary. I'm taking one friend out to dinner and another friend out for drinks. Both places we'll be going are places Steve and I frequented on special occasions. Places that require a tie, my best heels, reservations and that damn AmEx card. The people I'm taking have seen me through some of the roughest moments.

Jordan was here within an hour of the phone call that changed my life. She accompanied me the next day to gather Steve's belongings from DC, never once leaving my side. She didn't leave my side for weeks, actually. Putting her life, her husband, her five children on hold while I found the strength to stand again. She went with me to Venice. The last vacation my husband and I planned together. The one that fell on his birthday. The one that we had five different medications in case I had bad moments. Moments that never came because she was with me. And while I did cry, I also laughed. I laughed a lot. I imagine that week was a lot more work for her than she ever let on to me. I'm eternally grateful to have a friend who would give up so much at a time when I had so little. I can't think of anyone other than my husband who I'd rather get drunk with at a place as fancy as the Jefferson.

Dan is one of those nice Midwestern boys that remind me of my formative years growing up in Indiana. Steve and I took an inordinate amount of pleasure at making him blush. Dan listens to me prattle on, doesn't matter if I make sense or not. And those Midwestern sensibilities keeps him from ever letting me know when I've made a total ass of myself. Which isn't so good for me and future encounters with the general public - but helps me save face when I'm desperately trying to make sense of some new challenge or just trying to blow off steam from facing too many challenges in a row. He was home for the summer when Steve died but since coming back to Richmond I don't think there's been a week I haven't seen him. We get together for Packer games, dinner, or to keep me company as I pack for the trip I mentioned above. I must've been looking pretty rough that week; he showed up or made me go out at least three times. Dan may be a Midwesterner born and bred, but he's coming along just fine as a nice Southern gentleman and I can't think of anyone who has earned a steak dinner like he has.

These are just two people who have helped me reassemble my life. Gratitude for having them in my life doesn't do justice to what I feel. The thesaurus isn't helping much with that self expression, either.  But I am starting to "find joy, love and happiness even in difficult times" with people like this around me. I can't think of a better way to pay homage to my husband's life than to celebrate our marriage with those who also knew and loved him. People who love me, too.