Feels Like Summer

Steve ~

I haven't written to you in such a long time. When you first died, back when I was lucky to get four hours of sleep a night, I'd write you every morning. As soon as the sun came up I'd grab a cup of coffee and the notebook you used to keep music notes, and spend an hour watching the birds at the feeders while writing you how hard it was to face each day.

A lot has changed since then. A lot about me has changed since then.

Tonight I want to tell you about how it feels like summer.

I spent the day gardening. I started gardening a lot last year. Mostly it was something to do with my hands while I tried desperately to chase away the cycling thoughts of you. How much I loved you. How I failed you. How I missed you. How much I wanted to come find you. So I dug in the earth and told myself you were watching me. That I had to behave.

I bought two bleeding heart plants last year. I thought it apropos since it felt like my own heart was bleeding. I never managed to put them in the ground, though. Two weeks ago I went down to Lowe's and bought two more. I got them in the ground the day I brought them home. They're right next to the back porch where the rain is always washing the dirt uneven. Where the slate used to be. I dug up all the slate last year. I dug up the entire grown-over walkway of slate leading from the side gate to the shed. My plan had been to smooth the area out and plant grass. Never happened. But this year I started planting grass. It almost looks like a yard now.

I moved the bird-feeders again the this year. I moved them last year, as well. I think I may have even added a new one or two, but I can't exactly remember. There's so much about last year that I can't remember. But this year I finally got them right. I can see each feeder from any spot on the porch and the wind won't cluster them up again. I even bought some domes to hang over them so the squirrels have a more interesting time trying to rob the birds of their food.

I've managed to keep the feeders stocked since you died. Once or twice I've fallen into a funk and they ran dry but as you always told me: the birds come back when the food is back. The weather has been nice enough that I frequently sit on the back porch around dusk to watch all the birds come and feed. Do you hear me when I sigh and point out the babies fluffing themselves for mama bird? You always like the babies with their constant 'feed-me-now-mama' chirping. I don't feel as lonely without you here to watch them as I did last year. Can you see that, too? Does it make you happy?

I put in an addition to our bird friendly house today. I installed two cedar birdhouses on the back fence. They're supposed to be good for blue birds. I'm afraid I didn't get them up early enough to be used this spring. If not, there's always next year. These won't fall apart like the ones I painted several years ago. I don't think those were actually meant to be hung outside. You never complained when you had to stop your mowing to pick up the pieces, though.

I've been good about the mowing this year, too. I weed whack each time I mow and it makes a huge difference to the look of the place. Last year, I broke down crying every time I mowed. I would force myself to mow because I didn't want to slump on your chores. If you were looking down on me, I wanted you to be proud of the way I pushed through the pain. I wanted you to see me doing all the things you would want to do for me if you were here. Now I do it because it makes me feel good to have a nice looking yard. I enjoy the exercise and the making of my vitamin D.

I have a lot of projects to finish this year. Last year it seems I just tore things out with the plans of replacing or upgrading them. By the time I tore something out I was too upset to finish. I couldn't forgive myself for not having started and finished the project while you were alive to enjoy the change. I don't know if I'll get them all completed this year, as I've found several things I want to do that I'd never before considered. I'm rather excited about those. But did you hear that? I'm excited! I didn't think the day would come when I'd ever be excited to change anything ever again.

I still miss you like crazy, though. Tonight was the first night I had to light incense to keep the mosquitoes away. That smell always makes me look around to see if you're coming through the back door to join me on the porch. And I'm drinking our 'Eastern Shore' concoction. Cheap light beer mixed with clamato juice. I have a lot left over from the barbeque I threw last year. Seems my guests didn't like our drink as much as we did.

And because it was such a hot day I gave your dog a Frosty Paws. I found the box in the freezer after you died. I saw one was missing from the box already. I can't remember if I gave one to Belle last year or if that one was missing because you had given it to her before you died. It saddens me that I can't remember things like that. All the same, when I handed it to her, I told her it was a gift from Daddy for keeping me company in the yard. Do you know she still perks up when I say Daddy? I wonder if it's just habit or if she's still waiting for you to come home.

I know I was. I'm not anymore. And I can't figure out if that makes it easier, harder, or just different.

I love you. With all my heart. And I don't know if you can see me, but if you can, I hope you're proud of me. I was proud of you. Always.

- Karen