Can you be diagnosed with grief?

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The Diagnostic Manual for the American Psychiatric Association is considering making grief as a psychological/mental disorder. "Critics say the controversial proposal will stigmatize what is part of the normal human condition."  Toward the end of the report, Dr. Katherine Shears states that drugs should not be an obstacle or the only answer "it (anti-depressents) is not essential but it is one of the tools in our toolbox for depression. There are others, there are very good psychotherapies for depression." The report ends with the words "A difficult subject for the pain we will all feel and the doctors who want to help."

Within days of Steve dieing several people were pushing me to go on anti-depressants. "You know, to get the drugs built up in your system for when you need it."

My consistent answer was "My husband is dead. I'm supposed to be unhappy, sad, and out of my mind at times, even."

I did agree to quick-acting panic medication (clonazepam, in this instance) for when I felt overwhelming panic attacks coming. But, overall, I wanted to feel my grief. I wanted to work my way through it as best as I could. Because it IS part of the human condition. We are all going to go through a death of someone we love. The only two things I know for certain is no one gets out alive and everything changes.

I did agree that I would ask for medical help if I felt my grief was keeping me from what I reasonably expected to be able to accomplish in life. Which lead to a very unfortunate experience with a GP.

Steve had been dead for a month. And I was having normal-type panic attacks. Then I had these other attacks. Gutterel. Primal. Screaming from the depths of my stomach. Everything was black. I fear I'd blow my brains out. I was afraid I'd cut my wrists off. I was afraid I'd jump from the tallest building. In those hours I honestly couldn't understand how pain could be this deep and my heart still beat and my lungs still draw air. Didn't my body know it was dead and to quit moving around?

So I went back to my GP and asked for 5 Valium. I've only taken Valium once in my life before for oral surgery. But it was all I knew to ask for. I needed something that could take those life-ending moments and reshape them for me. I asked for 5 pills. No refills. Just for the really big attacks. This was at the two months mark. The GP told me I was a drug seeker and kicked me out of her office. I never returned to another doctor after that.

It had taken everything I had to sit on her paper covered table 2 months after the death of my husband, weeping, begging for help and to be turned away. So I started asking my friends for any extra meds they could spare. Someone slipped me a few Xanax, that I found worked exactly as needed. The clonazepam worked for the daily moments but the Xanax worked for the really scary times.

Today is one year, six months, and eleven days since my husband died. Today is five months and twenty-eight days since my father died. Two days ago I finally met with a physiologist. I'm now on Zoloft. It'll take at least three months to build up in my system enough to be of any value. During the next three months I take Xanax three times a day to lower my panicky feelings so I can function in my day to day life.

Is this grief? Damn straight it is. It is also fear. Fear of the unknown. The life I'm not rebuilding but starting over from scratch. Cause the future I had planned before Steve died really isn't much of an option anymore. I'm 38 and my future is wide open like it was at 18. Except I haven't the energy of an 18 year old and I have the pain of a woman twice my age. That's some scary shit.

And, sometimes, it feels like every step I take towards my new future is a step away from the husband I love. That's where the guilt kicks in. Overtime. Double time.

But I'm finally ready to try and start tackling that future. I just need a little medical boost to help me get those feet moving, is all.

Do I think grief should be considered a psychological/mental disorder? No, I don't. Grief is something we'll all go through eventually. If we're lucky enough to love and be loved in return. But I do think meds can play a part in the moving forward process. Cause we can't stay stuck in this pain. Not all the time. And we should use every tool available to us.