Alarming

I keep wanting to say "I don't want to alarm anyone but..." But. There's no one to be alarmed anymore.

The amazing thing I realized at the six month mark of Steve's death is that no one is vested in me anymore. As I trudged through my day I kept an ear cocked for the sound of a ringing phone. Waiting for someone to call and reminisce with me, mourn with me, share some time with me. I know many people were thinking about Steve on the fifteenth. Thinking about what his day was like exactly six months ago. Thinking of what their day was like exactly six months ago. It's just, no one was interested in thinking about that with me.

That's when I realized no one knows the difference between my sad face, my I'm-not-making-it face and my I'm-depressed-and-not-functioning face. I have to come up for air and translate it to whoever is in front of me. After six months of explaining what I'm feeling, begging for what I need, trying to fake it until I make it for those around me - I haven't the strength anymore.

Some people called a few days earlier and some called a few days later. None of them mentioned the date to me. I doubt they think I'd forgotten. They simply don't want to sit there not knowing what to say if I start to cry. So I was left to cry alone, feeling all the more abandoned and that I have no place in this world.

It's true. I have no place in this world. I haven't created a new life for myself yet. It's difficult giving up the life I had. Too difficult to give that up and create a new one at the same time. That new life will come. I just haven't built it yet. I still can't imagine it.

At six months I thought I'd be further along. I thought I'd have done more than I have. Instead I feel like I'm slipping backwards. I'm closing off and shutting down. I miss the press of his belly into the small of my back, I miss his hand cupping my belly, I miss having someone who gives an unlimited amount of hugs that last as long as I need, I miss having someone unafraid of the messiness of life and dives into with me. I miss my husband.