New York Minute - Don Henley

New York Minute | Don Henley by iTrvlr

Feeling Good - Nina Simone

Disintegration - The Cure

So it's all come back round to breaking apart again
Breaking apart like I'm made up of glass again
Making it up behind my back again
Holding my breath for the fear of sleep again
Holding it up behind my head again
Cut in deep to the heart of the bone again
Round and round and round
And it's coming apart again
Over and over and over

Now that I know that I'm breaking to pieces
I'll pull out my heart
And I'll feed it to anyone
Crying for sympathy
Crocodiles cry for the love of the crowd
And the three cheers from everyone
Dropping through sky
Through the glass of the roof
Through the roof of your mouth
Through the mouth of your eye
Through the eye of the needle
It's easier for me to get closer to heaven
Than ever feel whole again

Love Don't Die - The Fray

If I know one thing, that's true
It ain't what you say, it's what you do
And you don't say much, yeah, that's true
But I listen when you do

A thousand years go by
But love don't die

If I know one thing, that's true
It's that I'm never leaving you
And you don't say much, yeah, that's true
But I lose it when you do

Don't let them tell no lie
Love don't die

No matter where we go
Or even if we don't
And even if they try
They'll never take my body from your side
Love don't die

If there is one thing, that's true
It's not what I say, it's what I do
And I say too much, yeah, that's true
So just listen to what I do

A thousand years go by
But love don't die

No matter where we go
Or even if we don't
And even if they try
They'll never take my body from your side
Love don't die

She can break it up
She can burn it down
You can box it in
Bury it in the ground
You can close it off
And turn it away
Try to keep it down,
Six feet in the ground

But love don't die

No matter where we go
Or even if we don't
And even if they try
They'll never take my body from your side
Love don't die

No matter where we go
Or even if we don't
I’d like to watch them try
They'll never take my body from your side
Love don't die

Ghosts That We Knew - Mumford & Sons

So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light
'Cause oh that gave me such a fright
But I will hold as long as you like
Just promise me we'll be alright

From Where You Are - Lifehouse

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

Lover of the Light - Mumford and Sons

Another birthday he'll never celebrate

Today would have been Steve's 50th birthday. Instead, he'll forever be 47.

This is the first year since his death that I've stayed home in Richmond. The past two years I've gone to Italy. I don't know that it's more difficult or easier, it's simply different. But, damn, I can't get that man out of my head. Puts me in a New York state of mind.

Love you, baby. Always.

 

Man of the Hour - Pearl Jam

My father died a year ago today. One year and two weeks after my husband died. Often, my grief for Dad gets entangled with my grief for Steve.

I wish it was less complicated.

It isn't.

Missing - Everything But The Girl

There are many versions of this song out there. I've always been partial to remixes, though.

I had dinner with my in-laws the other night. I saw them last at Christmas, when I also spent a few days in New York City revisiting old places and times. All of which are connected to Steve. This song was cycling through my head when I visited Steve's old neighborhood. Cousin Frank was at work that day but managed to text me the entire time I was in the old neighborhood. Amongst a dozen other reasons, I love him for that.

Seeing Steve's family a week after his death anniversary has me revisiting my last visit with them. I never feel like I'm able to say what it is I want to say to them. I never feel like I have enough time with them. I wish I could find the words to tell them how much my love has grown for them in the past two years. How much I want to give Steve back to them. How sorry I am that for ten years we didn't visit as often as we could have, as much as Steve wanted to visit.

I never knew how wonderful my in-laws were until we were no longer, technically speaking, in-laws. What a fool I've been.

Slipped Away - Avril Lavigne

Just Remember I Love You - Firefall

Woke up this morning with this song playing in my head... I like to think it's a message from Steve.

(In My) Solitude - Ella Fitzgerald

Landslide - Stevie Nicks

Shit People Say to Widows (Video)

Though I'm listed in the credits, my contribution was a little long to make it into the final cut. These are all widow(er)s repeating the stupid shit our mostly well-meaning friends, family, and sometimes complete strangers have said to us.

I have so much more I want to say about this topic - but it'll have to wait for another blog post. A day when my "widow meds" are working a bit better.

6 minutes 56 seconds

Kathy's Song - Simon and Garfunkel

I hear the drizzle of the rain
Like a memory it falls
Soft and warm continuing
Tapping on my roof and walls.

...

My mind's disracted and diffused
My thoughts are many miles away
They lie with you when you're asleep
And kiss you when you start your day.

...

And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you.

And as I watch the drops of rain
Weave their weary paths and die
I know that I am like the rain
There but for the grace of you go I.

Bouncing Around the Room - Phish

Steve liked telling me about a dream he had in his twenties. He dreamt he was in a bar, carrying on as he normally did in his waking hours, when he met a curly redhead. He couldn't remember what they said to each other only that they spoke for a few moments when she turned and walked out the door. He said when he woke he felt sad because he knew she was the woman he was supposed to spend the rest of his life beside. Then he'd reach up, pull on one of my curls, and tell me how happy he was to have finally found me.

The first time I heard this song, it just felt like Steve. It has always made me smile when it rotated into play on our iPod. It wasn't until I went searching for the words that I realized why Steve would reach over and pull on one of my curls when it played.

It still feels like Steve. And I still smile when it rotates in to play.



the woman was a dream I had
though rather hard to keep
for when my eyes were watching hers, they closed, and I was still asleep

for when my hand was holding hers
she whispered words and I awoke

and faintly bouncing round the room
the echo of whomever spoke
and I awoke, and faintly bouncing round the room
the echo of whomever spoke

the place I sought was far beneath, the surface of the sea
my sight was poor, but I was sure
the sirens sang their song for me

they dance above me as I sink
I see them through a crystal haze
and hear the bouncing round the room
the neverending coral maze,
the crystal haze,
and hear the bouncing round the room
the neverending coral maze

then before and now once more, I'm bouncing round the room
that time then and once again, I'm bouncing round the room
that time then and once again, I'm bouncing round the room
that time then and once again, I'm bouncing round the room
that time then and once again, I'm bouncing round the room

and I awoke, faintly bouncing round the room
the echo of whomever spoke
and I awoke, faintly bouncing round the room
the echo of whomever spoke
and I awoke, faintly bouncing round the room
the echo of whomever spoke

Believe - The Bravery

So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breath
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

Iridescent - Linkin Park

When you were standing in the wake of devastation
when you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying save me now
you were there and possibly alone.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
you build up all the failures all you've known
remember all the sadness and frustration
and let it go, let it go.

And in the burst of light that blinded every angel
as if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
you felt the gravity of temper grace falling into empty space
no one there to catch you in their arms.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
you build up all the failures all you've known
remember all the sadness and frustration
and let it go, let it go.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
you build up all the failures all you've known
remember all the sadness and frustration
and let it go,

let it go
let it go
let it go
let it go

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
you build up all the failures all you've known
remember all the sadness and frustration
and let it go, let it go.